i want to write a little bit about the decision to have this baby....i was going to write about it at the time but before i knew it i was sick and having home care and couldn't face the computer and recording my thoughts. so here they are....with hindsight.
all of my pregnancies have been very hard. each with their own issues but the same sickness has plagued all of them and only our situations being different. my pregnancy with joshie was hard because i was sick (that's a given), we lived REALLY far from family, eric's job was not good and he actually lost his job right after joshie was born. looking back, i really feel that part of him losing his job had to do with my pregnancy. although i had always wanted four children, one thing that got me through that pregnancy was telling myself that i never have to do this again. i was ready to be content with my three children and tell ourselves that we had done our best. and so, i raised josh as my baby...enjoying every minute...giving away baby stuff and clothes...but i don't think i ever felt 100% like i was done although i tried REALLY hard to convince myself that i was.
then around this time last year, i started to feel like there was another baby for our family. the first night that this happened, i ended up on the floor crying my eyes out, begging to not have to do this again. it was like my greatest fear in the world to have to face another pregnancy. so, i set it on a shelf and left it there for a while. after another month, the feeling started to come back quite strongly. one night, i was lying in the bath and i was thinking about our family. i thought of president benson's family creed of "no empty chairs". for them, that meant that everyone made it to the celestial kingdom together and nobody be left behind. but for me, at that moment, it meant that all the chairs were filled....here on earth...with everyone that needed to be at our table. it felt right and the answer seemed clear.
the next day, everything crashed and i became overwhelmed and unable to even THINK about being pregnant again. i felt sorrow for the loss of my body and not being able to run the races that i had signed up for this summer or the triathlon that i wanted to do. i realize now that evil forces were working overtime on me that day! pulling every bad memory and selfish ambition to my mind to completely overwhelm me. again, i decided to leave it all alone.
fast forward a week or so....still uncertain and a bit shaken up but i suppose a bit more receptive to the spirit, i started to think about my friends who i had discussed this issue with. usually, in the past, their words had brought me comfort but the last time i had discussed things with them, their stories of their own finding peace in being done no longer brought me comfort. it's not that i questioned their decisions in the slightest. on the contrary, i felt warned that the answers they had found were not necessarily the answer for my family.
a few days later, a powerful thought came into my mind. there is an incredible talk by michael wilcox called, "how will i know" and it is about making the marriage decision. i had listened to it several times recently. a point from his talk came clearly to my mind. am i making this decision out of fear or out of faith? i knew the answer immediately. every reason not to have this baby was based on fear and as bro. wilcox pointed out, decisions made out of fear are usually not good decisions.
another thought....when i had josh, we were living in oregon and one day i said to eric that i would never have another baby again after i had josh. i made a list of things that needed to changed in order for me to even consider having another baby. there were three things on the list:
1. i would live closer to my mother
2. we would have our own home large enough for our family
3. dr. g. could be my doctor
at the time, i said it kind of jokingly but after i remembered it, it was uncanny how i now live practically next door to my mother in a home with room, and in the same ward as dr. g. and approved on our insurance. each of these things had fallen into place in a way that was undeniably the hand of the lord. I am not a sign seeker...but i do believe that sometimes the lord puts his signature on our lives to remind us that he is directing the things that are happening.
so we made the decision. we were going to have another baby. the amazing thing was, that as soon as we made that decision, my fear left. i knew that our lives were in the hands of the lord. i expected blessings. and we were blessed. I was as sick as i had ever been but we were blessed beyond what i could have imagined.
now i sit here with this little man squirling in my arms. he is precious beyond belief and although i don't know what he'll bring to our family yet or who he'll be, i know he's meant to be here. he is very loved and i am so overjoyed that he is here, that my pregnancy is over, that we all survived, and that we did the will of the lord. my heart is finally at peace.
