growing and change

i am at an interesting place in my life right now.  i am 29.  i will turn 30 this year.  perhaps this has cause introspection but it's not only that.  i have felt like i have grown tremendously over the last year or two.  i really feel as if it started with the decision to have adam.  it was life changing.  it was submitting to the will of my heavenly father in a way that i have never known before and i feel as if it has opened the door to so much growth and change in my life.

i have been reflecting on this event though.  deciding to have adam.  it was incredibly painful before i made the decision.  i felt like i was stepping off a cliff and didn't know whether i would sink or swim in any way.  i also feel like it was a test to see if i would make that choice and the interesting thing is, i feel that it was a defining moment in my life that opened the windows of heaven to me both physically and spiritually as i have seen blessings.

part of this growing process has been rather painful but i have also felt heavenly father's kindness in letting me deal with things one day at a time.  he has also at times shown me my progress in small  and big ways.  i am a grateful and happy women.

i have changed in my need to fit in with my peers.  of course, i have amazing friends who i love but i feel that i am fine with just being me.  i don't have to keep up with anyone else.  i don't have to say "yes" to things that are going to make my life too crazy to handle.  i am okay with the fact that my financial, physical, and spiritual life may look different to those around me.

this may sound like i have it all figured out and i don't.  my house is still a mess.  i am still fearful and insecure in certain ways.....and i am trying with all my heart to replace that with unshakable faith.  but that's okay.  i am trying to be kind to myself.

i am blessed to be a wife.  sharing your journey with someone as husband and wife is no small commitment.  it is not easy.  it also means that you have a physical witness to your life.  this can be hard as they know you in such personal and intimate ways.  they don't just see the outside shell that is presented to the world.  they also see you in your weakness.  they see you break down and sob.  they see you try to overcome the challenges of your world.  they see you fail from time to time. they also see you triumph over things great and small...some triumphs no other person will ever witness.  it is a beautiful but also difficult thing and i am blessed to be married to a good man who is kind and allows me to witness his life too.

i am blessed to be a mother.  these children are humbling.  they bring joy and happiness.  the bring laughter.  they also bring frustration and sometimes anger.  but they bring opportunities to grow.

i used to feel that trials and challenges were to be overcome as quickly and efficiently as possible.  they have always felt so wrong and dark.  i am starting to see beauty in them.  i am starting to see that the molding process of the artist is beautiful even in it's darker and refining moments.  there is so much beauty in faith and overcoming.  there is beauty in the process.  there is beauty as our spirits recognize that we are rising above our earthly and mortal natures and remembering that within us, there is greatness.